Who is awesome?

I am awesome. 

I AM GRADUATING!

Antipathy...

Let me explain the reasons behind my antipathy towards Certiport and its tests (as seen in the previous posts).

Certiport's tests are not written in any clear and logical way. They are written in a way to trip you up rather than test your true knowledge of what you're being tested over. 

How do I know this? Simple. 

1.Everyone I have met who has taken the IC3 certification, whether they are students trying to test out of ISYS 110 or members of the college's staff who had to have the certification for their jobs, has had to take the IC3 tests (there are three of them) multiple times. This makes me glad that I am not alone. 

2. While I might not be the brightest crayon in the box or the most computer-savvy person on the planet, I am not stupid. Nor am I computer illiterate. I can program in Java, C++, HTML, and binary. I have experience with Macs, Windows, and Linux, and I have even contributed some coding to Linux from time to time. I even have a lot of experience using Microsoft Word, Excel, and Power Point, having held a number of clerical jobs in my past. Take a guess which of the three exams I can't manage to pass? (Yup. The one covering Word, Excel, and Power Point.)

Certiport's tests are not scored fairly.

Why do I say this? Let me tell you. 

1. I missed passing the Word/Excel/Power Point exam by twenty points (out of a scale of 1000) the first time I took it. The second time I took it, I got fewer questions incorrect, but my overall score was significantly worse than the first time I took the exam. And while a different version of the exam was used for the second go-round, there were a similar number of questions covering basically the same topics, but my overall score dropped by 200 points. How do you explain that fact when someone has been studying their ass off with two study guides for that exam? You don't, unless your scoring system is disproportionately weighted in an inappropriate fashion because, yes, I know how to study. I'm a very successful student (I'm graduating with high honors), and I know how to take difficult material and break it down into a system I understand so I not only pass the class but conquer the material and have an extensive repitoire of knowledge on the subject in question. I also have a high retention rate for studied material.

2. This is not my first experience with Certiport's shitty scoring systems. To receive some grant money to pay for my studies, I had to take a skills and knowledge assessment for the agency I wanted to receive money from. It was a Certiport test. There were six sections, and there was a scoring system of 3 to 7 for each section, with 3 being below average, 4 being average, and 7 being highly advanced. The agency that had me take this exam told me that one of the pluses of taking this exam was that if you scored at a level 5 or above, you could list it on your resume as something to make you extra-desirable to potential employers. Not particularly caring about resume padding but wanting the grant money, I took the test. (You'd be surprised at the number of hoops you have to jump through to get a measly $500 from Uncle Sam.) On five of the six sections, I received a score of 7. On one section, I received a 4. When I asked my grant coordinator at the agency how I should go about listing this credential on my resume, she informed me that only the lowest score you received on all six sections of the exam counted towards the resume padding. Which means that since my lowest score was a 4, I didn't get the little "feather in my cap" for my resume, which means that I wasted about six fucking hours of my life taking a poorly-written, illogically (and irrationally) scored exam when I could've been wasting that time in my life some other way, like, say, watching reruns of "Gilligan's Island" or making Martha Stewart crafts.

So, yeah, Certiport, your tests suck! And I know big companies like you have trolls who do nothing but scour the internet day and night looking for people writing unpleasant, inconvenient things about your company and your products so they can refute them and possibly take legal action, and I hope they find this and bring it to your attention. Because I can tell you two things:

• Libel/slander laws do not cover opinion.
• The burden of proof for defamation torts is always on the plaintiff. 
• (Which basically means that Certiport's legal eagles would have to prove what I have said above is untrue. Go ahead, make my day.)

Also, good luck collecting any damages. I'm unemployed, I have no income, and civil penalties and judgments can be written off in bankruptcy. 

So, yeah... 

Fuck you, Certiport. Fuck. You.

Honesty is for...

I think it's fair to say that a test is too arbitrarily difficult and complicated when my always-lawful, ever-honest mother seconds my motion to get a pair of google glasses so I can secretly take screen shots of a computer test I am taking in the testing center (which has audio and video monitoring to prevent cheating) so I can study exactly what's on the test so I don't flunk it again. This IC3 exam is absolutely ridiculous!

Fuck you, Certiport. Fuck. You.

Corrections to Writing Assignment 13

I went through and changed some of the language in Advanced Fiction Writing Assignment 13 to reflect what I was actually thinking/feeling and just how frustrating it is to be a patient in a mental hospital. I had to tone it down for the version I turned in to be reviewed because we weren't supposed to be using "inappropriate/controversial" language in our writings for the class.

Yes, I have been a patient in a mental hospital. However, unlike Karen in my story (who is basically supposed to be me), I was a voluntary admit, meaning that I checked myself in (rather than have a court determine that I was a threat to myself or society, which results in involuntary commitment).

First, I had to threaten the admitting clerk at the hospital that if she did not admit me that night, I would kill myself (which I would've) if they didn't admit me that night. Then, you go through a dehumanizing body orifice check, just like in prison. However, unlike prison, I had fewer rights over myself and my medical treatment. You can't refuse your meds (or any other treatment) in a psych hospital--they'll just keep you longer and force you to comply with it anyway. (HIPAA doesn't apply to psychiatric patients, even if they are voluntary admits.)

And that bit about making up the holidays during group therapy? That honest-to-God happened during my brief stay at the loony bin. So did the endless day and night shrieking/screaming. And one dude even came in with lice (which they didn't catch upon his initial health screening), so we all were forced to shower (individually, thank God) and wash with anti-lice shampoo and body wash for several days, which chafed my skin and smelled kind of like vomit on a hot school bus full of sweaty children.

So, yeah. I feel some empathy for people when they talk about how awful prison/jail is. But I've been to a worse place, and I am stronger for it.

And I'll be damned if I'll ever go back.

"Insanity, even in its mildest forms, involves the greatest suffering that physicians ever have to meet." --Emil Kraepelin

How my day went...

Fuck you, Certiport. Fuck you.

Dearly beloved...

Dear Friends and Family,

As the semester draws to a close and I race my way towards graduation, I've decided to let you know what I'm up against for the next couple of weeks so that you don't worry and think I've dropped off the face of the earth or died when you don't hear from me until May.

So, here it is, without further ado, my End of the Semester To Do List (in no particular order):

• Write two different papers about complimentary alternative medicine therapies for my healthcare ethics class
• Take an exam covering three chapters in my medical terminology class
• Read and take notes over three rather long chapters of my anatomy and physiology text book
• Do two take home quizzes for my art history class
• Study for three more difficult computer test out exams
• Take a quiz in my anatomy and physiology class
• Interview an arts professor about their works and write a paper about it for my art history class
• Take three more difficult computer exams in order to test out of  the classes
• Do a homework assignment for my anatomy and physiology class
• Review for four comprehensive final exams
• Do two lengthy homework assignments for my art history class
• Get a haircut
• Work on appealing a financial aid award denial by my college for next fall's courses
• Pick up my cap and gown
• Pick up my honors regalia
• Attend a special honors graduate ceremony
• Attend regular commencement
• Take four comprehensive final exams
• Do two lab reports for my anatomy and physiology class
• Return my textbooks
• Do course and professor evaluations for all of my classes

...And this list is by no means finished!

Wish me luck!

T-minus 3 weeks until graduation!

Call Miss Cleo, I've got a mystic mind...

Today I had an "interesting" thing happen. I went to the local grocery store to pick up some more coffee creamer. The parking lot was packed, as was the store. It was about 3:15 p.m. When I finally got back to my car after making my purchase, I noticed there was some strange lady looking into my car's window. My car is not for sale, nor is it in nice shape and beautiful to look at. I asked her why she was looking at my car, and then some man she was with asked me if I had any money. When I said no (which was true), they called me a bitch, to which I replied "Yep!" as I got into my car, locked the doors, and drove off.

This is the second time something weird like this has happened to me this year. The first time (back in January) a driver of a jeep that I didn't recognized followed me out of my college's campus parking lot and about 3/4 of the way to my house after my night class, flashing their high beams at me the whole time. Since there were ample opportunities to pass me on my route home, I'm pretty sure the Mystery Jeep's driver didn't just want my slow ass out of his/her way. 

I'm just wondering what in the hell I've done to warrant all of this weird, aggressive behavior towards me from total strangers. I seriously think my karmic number is up somewhere.  

Things that make you go "hmmm..."

Last night's medical terminology lecture was funny. We were covering terms related to the male and female reproductive systems, and when we started talking about vasectomies, I couldn't help but remember seeing a billboard in East Chicago for a vasectomy clinic that said (and this is the honest-to-God truth):  "Vasectomy! Buy one side, get the other side free!" 'Nuff said.

Inconvenient Woman

Inconvenient Woman

I am an Inconvenient Woman.

I am

Intelligent,

Outspoken,

Opinionated,

Bold,

In control,

Assertive,

Free spirited,

Creative,

Compassionate,

Kind,

Free thinking,

Unrestrained,

Submissive

And servile

To no one.

I am sweet--

But don't cross me.

I am beautiful--

But flatter my mind.

I am kind-hearted--

But don't box me in.

I am open-minded--

But don't talk down to me.

I am capable--

Do not underestimate

My ability

Or

My resolve

To do your job--

A man's job--

As good as,

Or better than,

You,

My man.

When you call,

Do not ask

To speak

To the man

Of the house--

I do not answer to him.

I answer only to myself.

I rely upon no one--

I walk alone.

But I do not mind

A little company

From time to time.

But do not think you can control me.

I am inconvenient

Because I will not

Coddle you,

Or put up with your shit,

Accommodate you

When unnecessary,

Or appease you

When it does not

Suit me.

I have a mind

And a heart

And a spirit

That is all

My own.

If you cannot handle this,

Do not come along

For the journey.

All will end

In bitterness

And resentment.

I am not a wild pony

Just needing to be tamed.

I am a feral cat!--

You can get me

To come around

And be loving,

But I am

Never truly tamed.

I am always wild

At heart.

I am beautiful,

And I am special,

But I am,

At heart,

Inconvenient.

I will speak my mind--

If you do not wish

To hear my thoughts

And opinions,

Do not ask for them.

Otherwise,

I'll assume

That you care.

I will not be silent--

Even if you think

I should.

Silence

Is for

The spineless.

I will stand up for myself--

So don't pick a fight.

I might be more

Than you can handle.

I am slow to burn

My long fuse,

But once I fire off--

Prepare for an explosion

Magnitude 10.0.

I am intelligent--

I have thoughts,

Dreams,

And ideas

That have

Serious weight

And merit

Of their own,

So don't 

Talk down

To me.

I am inconvenient because

I am 

Unapologetically,

Unabashedly,

Unflinchingly

Me--

And you cannot--

Will not--

Change me.

I do not care

What you think--

I am not ashamed

To be me,

Even if

I am an

Inconvenient Woman.

Advanced Fiction Writing Assignment 14

This is the last assignment I had to do for my Advanced Fiction Writing class. Enjoy!

Assignment 14

Author’s Note:  Our last assignment was to write a story of any sorts, incorporating any of the elements discussed in the previous lessons. This is short, and it’s based upon a recurring nightmare I have.

Grade Received:  A

Pursuit

It seemed as though the streets were running, and the streets stood still.

There are lines to that effect in one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems.

Another goes something like this:

Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me. The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality.

That’s from “Because I could not stop for Death.”

I am named after Emily Dickinson.

It is raining, and I am being pursued.

By whom or by what, I do not know. All I know is that I am being followed.

They do mean me harm—that I know. I know because I can feel their malevolence in the very marrow of my diminutive bones.

But who they are, or what they want, I do not know. Nor do I care.

So I keep running. Onward, onward. Ceaselessly. I cannot stop, or I will die.

I run through the vacant streets of an abandoned town. The weather beaten frames of the empty buildings stand gray and stark like the bones of skeletons in mass graves. The only light comes from the blindingly white full moon above. The night sky holds no stars in its infinite inky, impenetrable darkness.

Their presence—those who wish me harm—is oppressively oblique. They are everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. If I only knew what they wanted, I might have tried to appease them at one time. I might have tried to acquiesce.

But not now. I’m too terrified. And angry—in a panicked way. I have something they want, and now they will not get it. Once I might have been open to negotiation. But I am no more.

I run further into the woods beyond the town. It is late autumn, and the trees have shed the last of their polychromatic leaves. The hard, drab trunks of the naked trees extend infinitely upwards, piercing the darkness of the night sky above like ancient oxidized spears of cold, gray steel.

The trees give me a sense of unidentifiable foreboding, and the slick, slimy leaves impede my progress as I begin to climb a large, steeply graded hill.

I hear no noises other than the ones made by my feet sliding on the slippery carpet of leaves beneath me and my own labored, frightened breathing.

Until I tumble to my knees as I crest the hill.

I hear them—those who so aggressively seek me—yet I cannot describe the sound they make. The sound is collective, uniform, terrifying, and unearthly.

Suddenly, I know why they want me.

I am an inconvenient woman—independent, headstrong, opinionated, intelligent, and forthright—a force to be reckoned with, servile to no one—and I am to be squelched and silenced for who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in, and my audacity for existing.

I am dangerous—more dangerous than any other being on the planet, and I must pay for my sin.

I turn to face them, unapologetic for what I am—for who I am.

I face my fate, unafraid.