Long time, no read

Well, well, well...it's certainly been a while. 

But don't fret, I'm still alive.

And well.

I've just been very busy.

I got a job at a craft store as a fabric cutter in mid-November and I put in some pretty mad hours in order to make some money.

And the boss noticed.

So I was hired on to be a permanent employee! Joy of joys! 

I haven't had a steady job since 2008. Being mostly unemployed (I've worked retail almost every winter holiday season since 2008) has taught me gratitude for the opportunity I currently have at this position, however humble it may be. (I'm only making $0.15 above federal minimum wage and I'm only given part-time hours.) Some of it may also be the fact that I'm almost 31, too, and I'm a little more mature and balanced than I was in my 20s. Some of it is also the fact that I'm finally on a medication regimen that is truly effective at keeping my bipolar disorder in check.

But I don't take anything at this job for granted. I show up on time, if not early, for my shifts. I do what I'm told when I'm told to do it, and I do it to the best of my ability. I redo the task without complaint if I do it incorrectly the first time. I don't gossip amongst my fellow employees. I treat everyone with respect. I am patient with even the most difficult/demanding customers and co-workers.

Sometimes it's not easy to do those things, but I really think being in a good frame of mind and body really helps. Bipolar disorder is, if not anything, as much a physical disorder as a mental one. People don't understand how hard it is to show up for work routinely and not be an emotional wreck when your bipolar disorder is affecting you. How hard it is to get along with the people you interact with and follow orders, either because you're too emotional to properly follow instructions or your mind is too clouded by fatigue and chaos to understand the instructions.

But I can truly say I'm better now. I'm not cured, I know that. There is no cure for bipolar disorder, only management, sort of like diabetes. My life will be a regimen of pills until I take my final breath, but I'm o.k. with that. To be calm and rational and genuinely happy is worth it. 

And now that I'm in a better frame of mind and body, my life is truly starting to make a turn around for the better. I had a successful semester at college last year at this time and graduated with my AA in Social Sciences. I even graduated with honors. I'm planning to go back and get my RN, hopefully this spring if the financial aid gods decide to smile upon me. But I'll definitely be back in school by this fall.

It's nice to have my life falling into place, to be able to see and plan for a bright, positive future.

People who don't have mental illnesses don't understand how gravely it affects your life. How it makes you literally unable to see the forest for the trees. Like I said, bipolar disorder is like diabetes:  once you're diagnosed, you're never the same. You must carefully plan and monitor yourself and turn to effective professionals at the first sign of trouble. It's odious and frightening, but the only mature solution to the problem is to embrace the diagnosis and work to manage it. 

And though I would never wish mental illness on anyone, I do not regret that I have bipolar disorder. It has taught me many things about myself and humanity:  some good, some not so good. But the most important thing it has taught me is that I have bipolar disorder, but I am not bipolar disorder. I am so many things above and beyond that.

And I'm ready, willing, and able to have a life above and beyond my diagnosis.

Watch out world, I'm coming.