Dear People I Live With,
Please stop nagging me about my household chores!
A--, I realize you are an extreme clean freak and that hates a dirty kitchen after noon, but I will get to cleaning the kitchen today. Just not at the exact moment you want it done (which is always 2 hours ago). I realize that it is now almost 4 p.m., but I have been extremely busy since the moment I got up today (which was well before you, I might add) at 6:20 a.m. And it's truly important stuff. It's a project that's worth one quarter of my final grade in my college class. It can't be put off! I realize you like a very clean house, but no matter how many times you come and harass me in a rude tone, the kitchen won't get cleaned any sooner. I can't stop working on my project until I reach a point where I feel I can walk away for a few minutes. I have to do some writing for this project, and I'm not one of those people who can start a sentence--or even a paragraph--and leave it in the middle for a while and then regain my train of coherent, articulate thought when I come back to it. I'm sorry. My brain just ain't hard-wired that way. Trust me, I can assure you that the kitchen will be cleaned up before it's time to start dinner. Or, better yet, you seem rather unoccupied since you come by my workstation about every 15 minutes to snottily ask me when I'm going to clean the kitchen, so why don't you do it? (Novel, innovative idea, I know.) God gave you two arms and a pair of hands that work, so if it's truly important that it be done, well, you could do it yourself. But that would take the fun out of interrupting me to nag, so I understand why you don't pursue this option.
And B--, when I am doing dishes, YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO SET FOOT IN THE KITCHEN! All you do is throw a few random utensils that could go in the dishwasher into my dish water (and you always seem to know exactly when I'm one measly dish away from being done cleaning up so you can add to my workload at the very last minute) and then criticize the way I wash the dishes and clean the kitchen, WHICH IS NOT HELPFUL! I know how to clean a kitchen and wash dishes--I've been doing it now for 20+ years--and I don't really need you to stand over me and nit-pick my handiwork. And if the way I clean a kitchen and wash dishes is so sub-standard, the joke is on you because you've been eating food off inadequately cleaned dishes prepared in an imperfectly sanitized kitchen for at least 20 years!
Also, B--, when I am cooking, please, please, Please, PLEASE do not come to "help" me prepare the dish! Again, NOT HELPFUL! I do not appreciate you standing over my shoulder, watching me like a hawk, as I chop up every vegetable and simmer every sauce, and telling me to do this or do that to improve the recipe. Yes, sometimes those things may greatly improve the recipe, but maybe I don't want to do those things to the recipe. I also really hate when I set something to simmer or cook for a while and leave the kitchen to do something else quickly and I come back to find you tinkering with my cooking. I'm sorry, but that's just RUDE in my eyes. If I want your help, I will gladly ask for it, and I always know where to find you. However, going behind my back to alter a recipe I'm making just sends me the impression that you don't like my cooking, which leads me to the question of why would you continue to ask me to cook if you're unhappy with the food I prepare. And if you're that unhappy with my cooking or my selection of recipes, YOU CAN MAKE DINNER! Won't bother me a bit if you do. I like to cook, but if I'm going to be harassed and persecuted throughout the preparation of the meal, I want no part of it, understand?
Well, that's my epic bitch that should keep me from needing to bitch about anything or anyone for at least the next month. Please pay attention to what I've said because if there is anything I hate more than being nagged and wheedled with, it is repeating myself.
Thank You,
Your Cantankerous Curmudgeon Dwelling Sharer and Friendly Household Slave
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