"Oh look! It's shit and Friskies!" -Anonymous
As you can see from my past couple of entries, I am still trying to figure out how to get the paragraph spacing correct in my posts, so please be patient while I learn how to use this blogging software.
In my family, pets are never left out of the Christmas celebrations. Not even badass ones. This year, the maternal side of the family included a gift exchange for our four-legged fur children in addition to the one we always have for each other. All of the pets got a lot of really cool toys and treats, even though some of them most definitely deserve nothing better than a large truckload of coal.
You may ask yourself which fur child is such a jerk. I'll be happy to tell you.
It's my cat.
What caused me to come to the conclusion that my cat is such a creep? One word: biting. She thinks that it is O. K. to bite. All of the time. I'll admit that the issues she has with biting were evident since the earliest stages of her kittenhood, but she was so small and delicate and in such a precarious state of health from the moment we got her until about her sixth month of life that she was so heartwarmingly cute that we overlooked it. We foolishly thought that she'd grow out of it; however, the only thing that changed in regards to the biting was the strength of the bite. She doesn't break the skin ever, but when my cat puts her sharp little teeth on you, you most definitely feel it and it always leaves marks.
And it's the frequency of the biting and the motives behind it that makes her a real jerk. For the most part, when my cat bites you, she is either playing roughly or demonstrating affection, but she also bites to get your attention or demonstrate that she is mad at you. In fact, my cat bites so often and for so many truly distinct reasons that we have a descriptive list of the most common types of bites she does:
- The Play Bite- This she does when she gets overly excited when you're playing with her
- The Love Bite- This usually happens when you're petting her
- The Shitty Bite- This bite is employed when the cat is displeased with you. When she administers this bite, the cat has a distinct, rather shitty look on her face that clearly says "Fuck you, Two Legs!" It is also accompanied by a rather fierce cuff from one of her paws
- The Kamikaze Bite- This is a version of the Play Bite in which the cat, when playing with you, will leave the room unexpectedly, only to return about two minutes later to sneak up on you and bite you when you least expect it. The look on her face when this bite occurs most definitely says "Ha ha! Me so funny!" (Yes, my cat has a poor grasp of English language usage. What do you expect--she's a cat.)
- The Center of the Universe Bite- This bite is deployed when the cat wants to play and you're not paying attention to her at that moment
- The Motorboat Bite- This bite isn't exactly a true bite since her teeth don't touch you when she's doing this, but it occurs immediately prior to the Love Bite. It gets its name from the fact that she will move her job up and down like she's biting and resembles the concept of having to turn over an old outboard motor several times before it actually begins to run
- The Good Morning Bite- This is the first bite that the cat performs of the day. The bite is only administered to my mom after she opens the master bedroom door in the mornings when she is getting ready for the day
- The Tasty Bite- This bite is administered randomly; however, it is done repeatedly and in a chewing fashion like the cat was actually eating you. Occurs most frequently to my mom, who probably tastes like red wine and dark chocolate since she frequently consumes these things
- The Hit-and-Run Bite- This is a version of the Shitty Bite where the cat administers the bite and then quickly runs away from you rather than sticking around to shoot you a dirty look like she does in the Shitty Bite
But I digress. Back to the subject of Christmas presents.
For Christmas 2013, my cat and I received a fun little book titled "Test Your Cat's Personality" from one of my aunts. The book is basically a really long personality-type diagnostic test like the ones you find in women's magazines that can supposedly tell you which celebrity you are most compatible with or what style of kisser you are just by answering a few multiple-choice questions and adding up the responses' point values and comparing them to a set of results measured by a point value range. And while the test was fun and everything, I did have one main problem with it: many times my cat's persona was not adequately represented by the list of answers I was given to choose from for a given question. Well, now that I've got a platform to publish my version of the personality test, which describes my cat's personality much more accurately, I'm going to write my own version of the questions and answers found in the booklet "Test Your Cat's Personality." Here goes.
Assume all answers are worth 5 points each.
1. How in tune is your cat with your various moods and emotions? I am merely here to entertain her, so my feelings are irrelevant and do not register in her world.
2. Bring yourself to eye level with your cat. How does he/she respond? By biting.
3. You are packing your bags for a weekend vacation. How does this affect your cat's behavior? She slinks around and hides under beds to avoid being taken on the vacation.
4. Which of the following best describes your cat's verbal skills? Randomly psychotic.
5. How would your friends and family describe your cat's personality? Eccentric and vaguely sinister.
6. In high school, which character would your cat have been? The weird, immature, overly-sheltered and inappropriately socialized home school kid from the polygamy cult who has issues with impulse control and disproportionate anger in social situations outside of the cult's compound.
7. If your cat were on a football team, what would his/her role be? Dr. Mengele, the team doctor, or Marquis de Sade, the personal trainer.
8. You turn on a video for cats that features different stimulating sights and sounds. How does your cat react? This question is discriminatory because my cat is legally blind.
9. Which of these words best describes your cat? Mental.
10. How do your neighbors, friends, and family feel about your cat? The only creatures they are more afraid of are the people who "took care of" Jimmy Hoffa.
11. During a severe thunderstorm, how does your cat react? She's unaware that the thunderstorm is happening.
12. If your cat had a favorite movie, what would it be? Cecil B. Demented
13. Your cat is your: Dysfunctional, eccentric, and hyperactive child
14. You fall and injure yourself while home alone. What does your cat do? Take a bite to see if I'm as delicious as I look.
15. You put out a catnip mouse for your cat. What does he/she do with it? Deliberately knocks it into the hall closet repeatedly for the amusement of watching you reach in and pull it out for her every 15 seconds.
16. When you get home, how does your cat greet you? First she runs into the front room to see who has arrived, then she runs into my room and hides under my bed for a bit, and then she comes out to play with me.
17. How often does your cat behave aggressively toward you? If she were a rottweiler, I'd be dead.
18. When you wake up in the morning, your cat is: Two inches in front of my face so that I can feel her hot kitty breath on my skin, as if I didn't already have enough pressure to get her "kitty breakfast" on time every day of the year.
19. Which Jim Henson character is most like your cat? Swedish Chef.
20. A visitor brings her dog for a visit. How does your cat react? By trying to kill the dog in a brutal fashion.
21. You try to sleep with your bedroom door closed for one night. Your cat: Tears wildly and at full speed up and down the hallway, yeowling, until someone lets her into my room.
22. You're sitting on the couch watching TV, and your cat approaches. When you acknowledge his/her presence, he/she: Will proceed to bite me if I don't get up and get a toy for her immediately and start playing with her.
23. Which famous cat is most like your cat? The cat that occasionally pops up in the "Pearls Before Swine" comic strip. Oh yeah, she's got a missile launcher, and she's not afraid to use it.
24. Does your cat like to be held? I'll give you $10 towards your medical bills if you want to find out for yourself.
25. How does your cat respond to a sudden loud noise? My cat would have to be mentally on the same planet as the noise in order for her to react to it.
26. If he/she were a person, how would your cat spend his/her leisure time? Urban graffiti art and violent, psychotic criminal behavior.
27. You sit down at the breakfast table with your newspaper. Your cat: Jumps up in my seat like she owns it and refuses to move.
28. How would you describe your cat's walking style? "When I'm a-walking, I strut my stuff, and I'm so strung out. I'm high as a kite, I just might stop to check you out."
29. Your cat looks up into your eyes. His/her eyes are: Batshit crazy.
30. What kind of friend is your cat? One who would help you steal a car and drive it Thelma-and-Louise style over the Grand Canyon.
31. How does your cat respond to other cats? She's the feline equivalent of Typhoid Mary, so we keep other cats away from her.
32. If your cat had a job, what would it be? Arsonist for Hire.
33. When you bring your cat to the vet, how does he/she respond to other animals in the reception area? She curls into a tight little ball and sticks her face in the corner of the carrier, trying to be as invisible as possible.
34. What would your cat's favorite website be? An online archive of vintage snuff films--the gorier, the better.
35. You leave a roasted chicken on the kitchen counter. Your cat: Ignores it. She only likes to eat dry cat kibble.
36. You have just decorated your Christmas tree. Your cat: Chews the wire branches in our artificial tree and sleeps on the velvet tree skirt underneath it.
37. How does your cat react to a new brand of cat food? If it's dry and crunchy, she'll eat it willingly.
38. Your cat's favorite kind of music would be: Electroswing.
39. Your cat's ideal vacation would be: A staycay. She loves to roam the backyard (under supervision) in the spring and summer.
40. How does your cat respond to the sound of his/her name? She always recognizes her name, but whether or not she'll come to you depends on her momentary whims.
41. If your cat were a historical figure, who would he/she be? Joan of Arc--demented and feisty.
42. You open the cat food. Your cat: Doesn't notice you've done anything. She's so not food motivated.
43. If your cat were a person, what would his/her usual attire? Four-point hospital restraints attached to furniture that's been bolted to the floor.
44. What would your cat's ideal first date be? At a human sacrificing ceremony.
45. Something in the kitchen catches fire. How does your cat respond? "What fire?"
46. Which section of the newspaper would your cat like best? Weird news and conspiracy theory sections of tabloids. She's probably a distant cousin of that Bat Boy they found living in a cave in West Virginia in the late 1980s.
47. What kind of movie would your cat like best? Surrealist performance art movies, like the one they have of a clown screaming repeatedly at the Art Institute of Chicago.
48. You accidentally step on your cat's tail. How does he/she react? By biting you in retaliation.
49. Which musical instrument would your cat play? Jaw harp.
50. When it comes to observing you, your cat: Follows me obsessively from room to room throughout the house all day, so it's more like having a fur-coated stalker instead of an observer.
51. Where is your cat while you sleep? Usually near the foot of my bed, stretched out so that she takes up 3/4 of the width of the bed, which has led me to fall out of bed occasionally in the night like I used to do as a child.
52. When does your cat purr? When she's biting.
53. What other kind of animal does your cat most resemble? A chupacabra.
54. At a job interview, your cat would: Go for the interviewer's jugular.
55. At a party, your cat would: Violently kill someone and cannibalize the corpse in front of everyone.
56. What is your cat's favorite book? Anything by H. P. Lovecraft.
57. You accidentally leave the front door open. Your cat: Is afraid to go outside by herself, so she'd still be inside the house when the door was discovered to be open.
58. You buy a new toy for your cat. He/she: Sniffs it and pointedly refuses to acknowledge it for exactly one week. After that, she's cool with playing with said toy.
59. How often does your cat settle down in your lap? She only does that when forced to wear a cone after having major surgery.
60. If your cat went out on a date, he/she would be: Constantly looking for places to hide her date's body.
Results: (300 points) Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?! Your cat is the only known example of a successful mating of a cat and a vampire bat. Good luck with that.
*So evil*
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