Not my smoothest move

So, I ran into the gas station yesterday before work.

I had gone in merely to buy a pop because I spend the vast majority of my work shifts in constant prattle with customers and my mouth gets really dry. 

I had not gone into the gas station to confront Mr. Clerk about his lack of calling, etc. 

And guess who is behind the register when I check out.

I hadn't intended on talking to Mr. Clerk any more than necessary to complete the purchase of my pop, but he cut straight to the chase.

He told me he hadn't called because he's moving out of the area. It was even done in a sort of apologetic way, even though I never spoke about or implied that I wanted some sort of apology or explanation for his behavior. 

Though it was disappointing news to hear on my end, it was the most decent goddamned thing any man who is not related to me has ever done for me. 

All those times I got "ghosted" in the past, that was all I wanted:  just a simple explanation. Some final lines in the final act of the saga. A cue to know it was time to roll the credits. A swan song.

I don't even care if what Mr. Clerk told me was a complete and total lie. It was a beautiful, benevolent lie (if it was one) because it was done with the intention of sparing me the pain caused by uncertainty and ambivalence.

And now I feel like a complete fucking bitch. I deliberately gave him my number/contact information as a way to force his hand in one direction or another, to either get him to an awkward place in which he would force himself to ignore me or get some sort of additional contact with him. (I really, in all honesty, had no idea what I would've done had he called me because I was so sure he wouldn't call that I never bothered to plot out a Plan B.) In an earlier post on this page, I flippantly dared him not to call. 

And now I know that were circumstances different in his life, he would've called because he's a decent human being who doesn't jerk people around. Or I can at least pretend that if he just blew me a bunch of smoke about why he hasn't called. 

I can believe for at least one fleeting moment that maybe, just maybe, there are some people out there who are honest and don't play games and think of others before themselves and consider that maybe it's wrong to be deliberately hurtful to another person. 

It's a beautiful belief, whether or not it's based in any sort of reality. And I'm ashamed that I was so selfish and callous in the face of it.

So, Mr. Clerk, if you're reading this, just know that I'm sorry. I was wrong. I was a bitch. You're a good guy, and you'll make some fortunate girl very happy some day. 

And I'm sorry that it was my own jaded stupidity that kept me blind to that fact. You deserve better:  go out there and get it.

All the best,

Thursday